Beth Scibienski
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I'm not OK

7/10/2018

 
You know how everyone asks, “Are you OK?” and we all say, “Yeah, I’m OK.”?

Well, I’m not OK.

And I’m OK that I’m not OK.

My husband died 1 year, 2 months and 19 days ago. He was my partner, my lover, the father of my children and my very best friend. So, no… I’m not OK.

I hope you’re OK that I’m not OK.

Several months back, a couple people at church suggested we read the book, “It’s OK you’re not OK,” by Megan Devine. The subtitle is “meeting grief and loss in a culture that doesn’t understand.” Great idea! Let’s read it and talk about. We threw the idea out to the larger community and more than a handful of us gathered with book in hand and grief in our hearts.
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The discussion was rich. We slowed down the pace and allowed for lots of silence. We faced our grief and looked at each other in the eyes. We cried. We stumbled as we tried to find the right words. There was even laughter. There was understanding. We were not OK. And in that room we were all OK that we were not OK.
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I helped a woman in my congregation move to hospice care this week. Her daughter gave me this flower from her garden.
The author of the book, Megan Devine, who lost her husband suddenly, says, “grief is visceral, not reasonable; the howling at the center of grief is raw and real.” As I write these words, my grief is raw and real. And she’s right – the center of grief sounds like a howl.

Two days ago, my grief didn’t sound like a howl. It sounded buoyant and hopeful, while still being melancholy and mindful.

Two days ago a dear friend was “married again.” I’ve chosen my words here carefully. For some reason I prefer it to “re-married.” Her first marriage ended when her husband died from cancer. This friend has been one of my most trusted confidants this past year. She and I have discussed at length the consequences of death. Devine says, “Death doesn’t end a relationship; it changes it.” The consequences of a marriage that ends in death is that the marriage itself doesn’t ever end. The love never ends. It changes. We live with that love for the whole of our lives. Even when married again.
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When she told me she was engaged, I wept on the phone as I muttered, “this is a miracle. You know that, right?!” She did know. Her heart has healed in such a way that it is both strong enough and elastic enough to love. Strong and elastic. How did such a miracle happen?
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Meanwhile, we've been systematically deconstructing our sanctuary in anticipation of demolition.
And now two days after her wedding, my howling has come back and I wonder how did her howling stop? When did it stop? Or maybe didn’t. Maybe the howling at the center remains but we move away from center over time. If that’s true, how far away from center do we have to be in order to not hear the howling? And our ability to hear the howling, does that have anything to do when you’re ready to marry again?

Right when I think I’m doing OK, I come up to questions like this and I feel so very close to the howling that I think I’ve barely begun to recover from Pete’s death. But Devine is right that we live in a culture that simply doesn’t understand grief. Although we don’t say it, we really think there is a time stamp on the grief process. We are uncomfortable that visceral emotions continue well into the second (and I’m told third, fourth, fifth year…)

I’m deeply grateful for the faithful friends I have who are OK that I’m not OK. But I would be lying if I didn’t admit that the day after I’ve cried or shared my howling grief, I wonder if my friends secretly wonder if it’s OK that I’m not OK. I wonder if I’ve made my world uncomfortable by grieving. I wonder if folks wish I would be OK because that would make our relationships easier. But I’m not OK and I just can’t will it into being. I can’t fake this, not this time, not with something this important. I can’t rush the healing of my heart. I won’t do it. And so I’m not OK.
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I've had coffee with these women every Thursday am for 12 years. They're OK that I'm not OK.
Devine asks, “who knows what kind of world we might create when we turn to fully face all the ways our hearts get broken? What things might change? What kind of world might we create? When the full expression of what it means to love – which includes losing that which we love – is given room to unfold?”
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For those in my life right now who have watched my face contort with tears, for those who have encouraged me to share my emotions, for those who have dared to listen for the howling at the center of my grief, and for those who are OK that I’m not OK, I am deeply grateful.
Carolyn Hettich
7/10/2018 08:51:18 am

I love your writing, Beth. You remind me so very much of Hugh Prather and his Notes to Myself.

It's interesting to me the undertone her seems to be a supposition there are those among us who actually are OK. Are there?

PQ link
7/10/2018 09:28:03 am

At times, we are asked to not be "not ok" so we can help others "be ok" with our "not being ok" neglecting a process we are in too soothe some who will never understand why we just don't "snap out of it". Be broken! That lets the new take root!

Christine Mariano
7/10/2018 10:19:34 am

Thanks for sharing, Beth. 16 years ago this week we found out my husband had cancer and the world shifted off its axis. He died 15 months later and this time of year remains the hardest for me, more so than even the fall, when he died. It marks the time my life and my children's lives changed irrevocably. 16 years have passed and with it, there have been graduations and celebrations and weddings and now a grandchild - and life has been wonderful and my heart has mended, but it will never be the same. "The consequences of a marriage that ends in death is that the marriage itself doesn’t ever end. The love never ends. It changes. We live with that love for the whole of our lives." Truer words have not been spoken. <3

Amy
7/10/2018 10:08:11 pm

I love this: “The consequences of a marriage that ends in death is that the marriage itself doesn’t ever end. The love never ends. It changes. We live with that love for the whole of our lives. ” Thank you.

Lee
7/10/2018 10:40:44 pm

I'm absolutely ok with you not being ok. I get it. The strangest, most inconsequential think will put my friend Marie (who died almost a year ago) in my mind. My eyes fill with tears, and my throat closes up. Can't imagine what losing my husband would feel like. Take as long as you need to not feel ok.

Pat (Dudics) Vacca
7/15/2018 12:35:29 am

Dear Beth,
I graduated from high school with your Mom.! After learning of my husband’s passing she started sending me your beautiful messages. This message really hit home for me. I too lost my husband 1 year and 1 mo th ago, he passed away very unexpectedly after hernia surgery. I was amazed st how friends reacted. Some just totally stopped contact with me, I don’t know if it was because they could not handle my grief. We’re afraid it would happen to them or decided since I was now alone I was no longer part of their couples group. All told me that he is gone abdv(after 6 months it was time to move on with my life, he was not coming back and I was here and I should start a new life. Also, I needed to stop crying every time of thought of him or saw something that reminded me of him. Because I did not want to upset my family any more I go into my bedroom at night or wait until I am alone to sit down and cry my eyes out. Yes, I have moved on. I moved from my home in Florida to be closer to my daughter and family, I have purchased another home and started to put my life back together again but the pain is still there, it never goes away, there will be days where I am calmer than others but the ache in my heart is still there, it feels like I lost half of my body. Although I have always been a self-sufficient, outgoing, well adjusted person; after almost 49 yeers with my husband I feel like a lost soul. I have tried in so many ways to tell my family that I need to cry, will have good days and very bad days and that I will adjust to missing him so very much it is still very hard for them to understand why I have the crying , sadness, and anxiety 1 months after he passed away. Reading your excepts helps me to see that this is normal and that I am not alone. Thank you for sharing your feelings and caring for other. Personal regards and God Bless You, Pat🙂

grabmyessay link
3/7/2019 10:46:57 pm

I am actually curious if you are okay or not. You have been through a lot. Actually, I wouldn’t know what to do if it was me. I know that I suck in carrying problems one at a time and I will surely fall down if that happened on me. That’s why I want to come you because you are such a strong person. Not everyone can be that great, but you have a strong heart and faith, and that could be the greatest weapon you can have while you are living.


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